The application process is lengthy
The application process is quite lengthy. **Friends make life good; they provide the scaffolding that makes it not just bearable, but fun. They give us a sense of meaning and purpose, and are a source of security, self-esteem, and happiness. Almost nothing predicts how happy you will be as much as how connected you feel, and a lack of social connection is associated with a number of diseases and a shorter life. However, you may have scrolled through your phone unsure who to call to go to a movie with, to celebrate with, or ask for comfort. You may realize that you don’t have enough friends and feel lonely, and it’s not just you; disconnectedness and loneliness are widespread. Many people want more close friends, but don’t know how to get them. Surprisingly, nowadays loneliness is highest among young people, whose relationships were also hit especially hard by the global pandemic. Social distancing stopped teens and young adults from mingling in classrooms, clubs, or dorms, and millions of friendships that might have blossomed will never exist, with profound long-term consequences for our collective happiness. The good news is that it’s not too late, and there are lots of friends to be found.
Making friends is infuriatingly simple, but not necessarily easy. It works through a few pretty straightforward mechanisms; the most important being that people make friends with other people when they spend casual time together. This is how our ancestors formed their relationships, because humans lived in small close-knit communities in which options for making friends were limited. This is why it’s so easy to form new friendships in school and university; society locks you and your peers in a building for several years, you share similar activities, but more importantly, similar schedules. Overlapping and fluctuating social circles form naturally, giving you regular face time and shared experiences with many different people. Proximity can be more important than similar interests; one study found that in student dormitories, the distance between rooms was the strongest friendship predictor. Living closer together meant a higher chance of becoming friends.
The main reason for a lack of friendships is the simple fact that most people don’t prioritize friendships nearly enough. They don’t realize until it’s too late that retaining friendships demands a regular energy and attention. Although they are so important for happiness, friends often take a back seat to other life decisions. Work, commuting, romance, or kids take up so much time and energy that it’s so much easier to crash on your couch and lose yourself in mindless activities. Especially as an adult, going for a bike ride, getting dinner, or visiting a hobby store takes much more mental effort and commitment than it did after school, when time ran slower and energy and curiosity were abundant.
But it’s not just that; everyone has a social calibrator that can change as you go through life. Maybe you were more introverted as a teen, but yearn for connection in your twenties. Maybe you were part of sprawling social circles, but prefer fewer friends in your thirties. There is no right or wrong, only right for you.