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Many of us are prone to addictive behaviors which we know are contrary to our best interests, yet we find ourselves unable to resist at key moments. Let’s take bulimia, porn addiction, and alcoholism as examples. We come to realize, after emerging from the tunnel of addiction, that we have neglected our interests and harmed ourselves, yet we are at a loss as to what we can do to help.
One answer is that we should try to notice when the desire to engage in these behaviors arises. It may seem strange, but those who are in the grip of addictions rarely pay attention to what has immediately happened before these desires strike. It does not occur to them that anything has, but if they take the time to look into themselves and study the answers carefully, they will have an important weapon with which to escape the downward spiral.
Before there is ever an addictive behavior, there is always a moment of feeling bad about something. These triggers can be varied - a partner may not be as warm as they should be, someone at work may seem disapproving and mean, or one may have been left out of a social occasion. In other words, the triggers for addictive, self-harming behaviors are rooted in emotions such as loneliness, shame, a sense of unacceptability, a feeling of rejection, or a belief that one is not good enough. The addictive pattern is only a response to a prior pain which has not been understood or addressed for some time.
The addictive behavior offers a kind of soothing and escape from an intolerable discomfort. Vomiting after a meal brings a sense of lightness, porn leads one into a series of physical highs, and alcohol stills critical voices. The way to start to break the pattern of addiction is to realize that one is in trouble before rushing to the addictive solution. One must look into themselves and study the answers carefully in order to become better historians and observers of their moods. This will put a gap in time and in mental activity between the moment when one is hurt and the moment when they reach for their self-destructive solution.
If one manages to slow down the process, they can wake themselves up from their narcotic impulses and ask themselves why they are feeling upset. One must become aware that they are in danger and need help now. The realization that one is feeling deeply upset is half the battle. From there, one can ask themselves what they are upset about and how they are feeling. We may need to close our eyes and sit still for a moment to let the answer percolate from the unconscious. Alternatively, we might try to complete the sentence, “I’m currently feeling upset because…”
The way to start to break the pattern of addiction is to replace it with self-compassion and understanding. Addiction has nothing to do with loving what one is addicted to, but rather finding relief from a prior pain. We can remind ourselves that this is the real source of our pain and that if we look deep enough, we will find the answers we need.