We can spend a lot of time in relationships wondering if our partner loves us and if it will all suddenly end, but perhaps less time asking the more salient question: What can I do to help this valued relationship endure? We can fall into the trap of seeing love as a passive, mysterious gift that we are in no position to generate, direct, or guarantee, rather than conceiving of it as an emotion that flows logically, steadily, and naturally on from things that we are in a position to do or not do. To hazard a generalization, most people tend to signal their emotional requirements pretty directly, if we are in the mood to listen. In other words, there is much we can choose to do or not do to weaken or strengthen our love. We are for the most part active agents, not passive, victimized spectators.
The other’s love should, under normal circumstances, be thought of as a predictable reward rather than a random benediction. There are surely cases where people are keen to maintain a relationship but are then left for no reason that they could ever have guessed at or influenced, but in the end there are probably not so many of those around.
To maintain love, we need more than anything to follow a few simple-sounding rules which can nevertheless be very hard for us to act upon. Firstly, the partner must feel heard; secondly, they must feel that we are on their side; thirdly, they must feel appreciated according to their own distinctive love language; fourthly, the partner must know that we are making an effort in their name; fifthly, they must feel wanted emotionally and physically; sixthly, insofar as we are difficult to be around (and we all are), we must explain why and give our partner an accurate map to our areas of immaturity; lastly, we must strive to remain calm around our partner’s most trying sides, and not humiliate them about their flaws.
If we do all this and a relationship ends without us wishing to, we are entitled to feelings of acute bitterness and grief, as the fault has really not been with us. However, if the relationship ends and we have somehow been distracted or busy, we should start to wonder whether, or perhaps why, we have wound up with an ending we told ourselves we didn’t want. We may need to reflect on our own ambivalence, conflict, or lack of effort in sustaining love.